


Anything But Useless

by WolfieOnAO3



Series: The Brewer's Dictionary of Short Stories [11]
Category: Raffles (TV 1977), Raffles - E. W. Hornung
Genre: Arguments, Communication Issues, Dark Comedy, Dark Humor, Drunk Bunny, Insecurity, M/M, Psychology, Sad Bunny, Trust Issues, and a little bit of fluffiness, but really it isn't all as dark as that makes it sounds, cross bunny, interpersonal relationship, raffles being raffles, relationship dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:41:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23776270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfieOnAO3/pseuds/WolfieOnAO3
Summary: ‘It’s not all right, Raffles! You sent me on some, some, rid-- ridic-- some stupid chase and all for, for, for what? I looked like a damned fool, Raffles, that’s what. Whilsht’you go off and be all clever, as ushual, and I’m just… a damned fool. A fool and a puppet. That’s all I am to you, ishn’t it? Isn’t it? Ushh… Ushless.’Bunny is drunk, insecure, and angry. Raffles is Raffles.Brewer's Prompt: Saddle-Goose
Relationships: Bunny Manders/A. J. Raffles
Series: The Brewer's Dictionary of Short Stories [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1691002
Comments: 9
Kudos: 19





	Anything But Useless

**Author's Note:**

> _Saddle-Goose_  
>  _A proverbially pointless exercise that would do little more than saddle it’s practitioner with this epithet._  
>  \- Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable

‘No, Raffles, I am not _drunk_ , and I am not over-rerar-- rover-ee-- overerer…’

‘Over-reacting?’

‘Yes! That. That is not what I’m-- I’m not. That. I’m not that. I’m not, Raffles.’

‘All right, all right.’

‘It’s not all right! You sent me on some, some, rid-- ridic-- some _stupid_ chase and all for, for, for what? I looked like a damned fool, Raffles, that’s what. Whilsht’you go off and be all _clever_ , as ushual, and I’m just… a damned _fool_. A fool and a _puppet_. That’s all I am to you, ishn’t it? Isn’t it? _Useless_.’

I punctuated this, as far as I can remember, anyway, for despite my protests to the contrary I was devilishly drunk, by throwing my hands in the air and knocking over a glass.

‘My dear rabbit, you really--’

‘And don’t you “ _my dear rabbit”_ me, either!’

‘Bunny…’

‘No! I’ll not have it, Raffles! You don’t _trust_ me, you _still_ don’t _trust_ me, after, after, after _everything_ I’ve, I’ve, we’ve-- nearly two _years_ , Raffles!’

‘Rather more than that, my de--. Well, over two years, I should say. Oh, two years, five months, and a handful of days, or thereabouts?’

‘Why can’t you just _tell_ me your plans, Raffles!’

Raffle shook his head wearily, and began to pace up and down in short bursts in front of me, making me quite dizzy.

‘Bunny, we have been _over_ this. I have _explained_ this. You have _agreed_ with me about this. I haven’t done anything that didn’t have your implicit agreement.’

‘Hah! My imp-- That’s a _joke!_ I agreed to last night, did I? To, to, to, to running around and thinking I was doing something _useful_ , going to all of those loc-- locash-- _those places_? Oh, God, and talking to that man with the umber-- mmbrrr--’

‘Umbrella?’

‘Yes! Raffles, I must have seemed like a _lunatic._ ’

'I didn’t actually expect you to find a man with an umbrella, I must admit. It is the middle of summer, after all, and we haven’t had a drop of rain for weeks. He must have thought you were _very_ odd, coming up to him like that. What did he say?’

‘It’s not funny!’

‘No. No. Quite right.’

‘And all the time you were somewhere completely… _else_! And I was nothing more than a, a, a, a, a---’

‘Distraction?’

‘ _Saddle-goose!’_

Raffles burst out laughing, to my deep displeasure. 

‘Oh, I am glad that you find me so funny.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he said through gasps of laughter, ‘I’m not laughing at you, I swear. Or, rather-- My dear chap, what on God’s earth is a _saddle-goose_?’

‘What? I-- What do you mean?’

‘Precisely what I said. What do _you_ mean?’

‘I, er… Well, a saddle-goose is a… a _saddle-goose_.’

‘And what’s that?’

‘It’s… Well, it’s _me_ , isn’t it. It’s what you think I am. What you treat me as!’

‘I can promise you that I don’t.’

‘You don’t?’

‘Well, I couldn’t really. I still don’t know what it is.’

I took this opportunity to throw myself into a chair. I believe I tried to glare at him but when I couldn’t tell which of the three hazy Raffleses was the real one, I gave up and glared into my empty glass instead.

‘A saddle-goose,’ I continued in the particular breed of supercilious tone reserved for the very inebriated who wish to appear otherwise, ‘a _saddle-goose_ is a… a… a goose with a saddle. Clearly.’

‘Why are you a goose with a saddle?’

‘No. No.It-- Look, it just means, it means-- I means someone who does stupid things. Pointless things. That’s it! It’s if you-- It’s trying to _put_ a goose on a saddle. Saddle on a goose. ‘S’thing that’s ush-- loosh-- ooshlesh-- ’

‘Useless?’

‘Yes. Ushlessh. Like _me_.’

Raffles was suddenly down in front of me, his lips pressed together, the creases around his eyes deepening, the dimples in his cheeks flickering, his eyebrows pulling together, the corners of his mouth fighting a losing battle against a smile. 

‘Bunny, bunny, my dear little brick of a Bunny,’ Raffles placed his hands on my shoulders and shook me gently, ‘you are anything _but_ useless! Your efforts yesterday ensured the success of the job! Couldn’t have done it without you. Or, at least, couldn’t have done it without ending up in the Scrubs for a good long stretch.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘What do I mean! What do I mean, he asks! My dear rabbit, you were the perfect distraction, that is what I mean. I have _told_ you that MacKenzie has been hot on our heels these past months. By setting him onto _your heels_ by your running about doing perfectly and _provably_ innocent tasks very _suspiciously,_ you kept him off of mine. Only momentarily, of course, but a moment was all that I needed.’

‘Oh. ...Well why couldn’t you just _tell_ me that, Raffles?’

‘Tell you that you were to be a distraction for MacKenzie? That a police detective would be dogging your every move? You would have been able to play your part with as much confidence, knowing that? You would have been _happier_ , knowing that?’ 

‘Well… No, I wouldn’t have liked that very much at all. But... But how did you know I wouldn’t do something to get m’self caught! I suppose you didn’t care, so long as _you_ were safe.’

An expression of genuine hurt crossed Raffles’ face.

‘Bunny, how could you think--’ He shook his head. ‘I _knew_ that you wouldn’t do anything wrong. I told you what I needed you to do, and I knew I could rely on you to carry out your task to the letter. As you did, quite perfectly. Of course. As you always do.’

‘Hm.’

‘You accuse me of not trusting you - I trust you with my very life and liberty, Bunny. If I don’t tell you things, it’s because you are better off not knowing them. You _know_ that, when you aren’t too busy being angry with me. You’ve told me so yourself. I shouldn’t do it, otherwise. _Saddle-goose_ indeed...’

'So you weren’t just getting me out of the way?’

Raffles raised his hand to my face and brushed an errant strand of hair from my eyes. ‘No.’

‘And you don’t think me useless?’

Raffles shook his head. ‘No.’

‘Or stupid?’

‘No.

‘And you-- You do _trust me_ , Raffles?’

‘Would I be here if I didn’t? Would I have taken you, you out of all the people on the planet, you and you alone into my complete confidence if I didn’t? As a gentleman and criminal both? Do you think I would have a partner, a friend, a--’

Raffles did not have chance to finish his sentence, as I leaned forwards and snatched the words from his lips with my own.

‘Friends?’ he asked, resting his forehead against mine, his breath warm on my cheek, my hands cool on his.

‘ _Always_.’

‘Glad to hear it,’ he smiled, pulling back and straightening up. ‘Now, come on, I think you have about half a bottle of whisky to sleep off, my funny little rabbit.’

‘Not your _goose_ , then?’

‘No. No, I think we shall reserve _that_ epithet for our good old friend Inspector MacKenzie!’


End file.
